Mating Rituals of the High School Boy
by Sunset Miko
Summary: Inuyasha and Kouga can't stop competing with each other for Kagome's attentions, no matter how many times she tells them no. Written for InuComedyClub's Week 3 Provocation - Love Hurts


I do not own Inuyasha and Company, no matter how happy it would make me. Rumiko Takahashi does.

Written for Inuyasha Comedy Club's Prov 3 – Love Hurts

"Hey Kagome," Kouga said with a sly grin as he slid into the seat beside her.

She sighed before forcing a smile. "Hi Kouga." She mentally started the countdown while someone counted silently with her from a few tables away, 'Five, four, three, two… ah, right on schedule.'

"Hi Kagome!" Inuyasha said sweetly before shooting a death glare at Kouga and grudgingly taking the seat across from her instead.

"Hi Inuyasha," she said before sighing again. Was this ever going to end?

"So, you busy this weekend?" the wolf asked while returning the hanyou's glare with his own.

"I told you before Kouga, I'm not interested in dating right now."

"See, she doesn't like you! Why don't you fuck off? Kagome's going to the movies with me Saturday."

Kouga snarled and looked at the miko for either confirmation or denial. "God, Inuyasha, do you have to curse? And I told **you** no too. Please, can you two **please** just leave me alone for ten minutes?"

"Ha! You dumb fuck! She can see who the real man is here. She's too smart to fall for a hanyou." Another frustrated sound escaped the miko. Neither of them **ever** listened to her.

"You think you're the real man here? Sure, right, I buy that."

Kagome sent an exasperated look at her friend Sango who nudged her boyfriend not so gently with an elbow to the ribs. Miroku smirked and Kagome's shoulders slumped. She knew what was next. "Why don't you guys find out which of you is tougher then?"

"Any time, any place. What'd you have in mind?" Kouga asked arrogantly.

The monk's eyes sparkled with mischief as he looked around for the requisite props. He stood and grabbed a few things off the table beside theirs before plunking them down between the competing males. Inuyasha eyed his so-called friend suspiciously. What was he going to suggest this time? "Condiment contest. Whoever downs all three first wins the tough guy title."

"Oh for the love of god, they're going to throw up!" Kagome wished she could escape, but there was no point. If she got up and left they would only follow her and get in some other kind of irritating contest. She glanced around the cafeteria and then rolled her eyes, ready for the show. She might as well get some entertainment out of it, and this one was sure to be extra entertaining. Miroku had gathered two full bottles of ketchup, two of mustard, and two brand new, unopened, rather large bottles of hot sauce. The ketchup and the mustard she knew they could handle, but their powerful senses were overly sensitive to hot and spicy. They were going to sear their tongues right off.

Inuyasha and Kouga looked at the bottles and then each other, both trying to gauge if the other was going to back down. When it became clear that neither was willing to be the wuss to cave and run away scared they nodded and Miroku almost cheered. Kagome might not think it was much fun to have the inu hanyou and the wolf demon fighting over her, but he **loved** it! He'd never laughed so hard in his life, and every challenge was better than the last. He quickly ripped the seals off the bottles of hot sauce and set them back before the competitors.

"Don't worry about me, Kagome. I'm a **full** demon. I can take anything." Kagome fought back a snicker and turned to Inuyasha, waiting for the prerequisite chest thumping from his side of the table.

"Ooohhh, **FULL** demon! I'm **so scared**," Inuyasha taunted in the girliest voice he could muster. "For a wolf you remind me an awful lot of a **pussy**-cat." The last word was added as an afterthought when he saw Kagome frown. He had to remember she didn't like it when he swore! "Sorry babe, but don't you worry. I'll kick his a..." he caught himself just in time and threw it in reverse. "I'll win this competition and prove to you who's the best around here." He missed it as she rolled her eyes again; too busy talking to her chest instead of her face to notice.

"Alright then. Are we ready?" Miroku asked excitedly. A crowd had formed around the table, everyone knowing what was coming. Their competitions were the highlight of most of the high school students' entire day and no one wanted to miss it. When both males nodded a cheer rang around them and Kagome banged her forehead on the tabletop, smiling softly as she felt hands on her shoulders, suddenly feeling strong enough to weather the coming storm. If they threw up though, all bets were off and she might just kill them both. "Ready, set, go!" Miroku yelled over the chanting of the crowd.

Sango and Kagome watched with wary eyes as Kouga and Inuyasha started squeezing ketchup into their mouths like it was chocolate syrup and both girls groaned as their stomachs churned at the sight. When the bottles were empty almost simultaneously the males slammed them to the table and picked up the mustard. Kagome had to close her eyes and try not to breathe. She hated the smell of mustard. She turned her head to the side and took a quick breath before sighing in relief at the warm, relaxing, and definitely mustard free scent that filled her senses. Hands tightened slightly on her shoulders and she looked back just in time to see Kouga pick up his hot sauce a full five seconds before Inuyasha grabbed his.

This was going to separate the men from the boys, the demon from the hanyou, the intelligent from the incredibly stupid. As soon as the first drop of hot sauce hit his tongue Kouga's face flushed a bright red but he kept chugging. Inuyasha had a plan. He'd coated his tongue in mustard and began pouring his hot sauce directly down his throat, saving his delicate taste buds from the incomprehensible heat. Soon tears were sliding down Kouga's cheeks as he fought to keep going, all the while trying to figure out how the hell the hanyou was doing so much better than him.

Miroku watched closely and when both bottles slammed to the table at the same instant he smacked the table. "Tie! Whoever can last the longest without a drink wins!" The crowd around them began plunking their little single serve milk cartons on the table in front of the two, teasing and taunting with the promise of sweet relief the cool moo juice would give. Inuyasha and Kouga stared intently at each other, each silently willing the other to cave because they were both sure they were going to ignite if they didn't take a drink soon.

In the end it was Kouga who grabbed for a carton first, ripping through the top with his claws and dumping the entire thing into his open mouth, sending rivulets of milk and drool down his chest and arms. Kagome squealed in surprise as she was swept out of her seat just in time to miss the milk bath. Inuyasha pointed at the desperate wolf and laughed his ass off. He wasn't feeling anywhere near as bad as he'd made it look and took his time to open a carton properly while Kouga continued to dump milk all over himself, desperate for relief. The hanyou took a small sip and Miroku started to declare the winner when an odd gurgling sound came bubbling up Inuyasha's throat.

The monk moved fast, grabbing Sango and pulling her out of the way just in time to escape the geyser of the most brightly colored vomit known to man or demon that shot across the table Exorcist-style. As if Kouga wasn't messy enough covered in milk drippings, he very quickly became what could have been mistaken for a work of modern art. That being said, he wasted no time in returning the favor and soon the cafeteria was filled with groans as the sight and smell accosted the crowd and caused the vomit-ripple effect, many on-lookers losing their lunch along with the retching competitors. Both Inuyasha and Kouga looked around weakly and barely caught sight of Kagome standing near the end of the table with a hand over her face before she disappeared through the crowd. Two heads hit the table with a thudding splat as their world spun around them and their bodies turned against them.

Outside Kagome walked up to Sango and Miroku with a small smile on her face. "You knew that was going to happen, didn't you Miroku?" He smirked and she laughed. "That was just cruel. You've been getting inventive lately."

He rubbed Sango's ass as if for luck before sharing his great wisdom, "God bless the internet."

Both girls laughed while Sango removed the hand from her ass, twisting Miroku's arm behind his back until he cried uncle. "Serves 'em right. How did you get out of there so quick though? You were there one second about to be splashed with milk and gone the next!"

"My dear Sango," Miroku whimpered while rubbing his elbow. "Even Kagome has her secrets." The miko sent him an odd look and he merely winked at her, leaving her to wonder just what he thought he knew.

--

The cafeteria was closed for over a week after the condiment contest, the janitors treating the room as biohazard level 11, far above and beyond the capabilities of sawdust and dustpans. Both boys had been out of school for just as long 'recovering', which was a much appreciated reprieve for Kagome. While she didn't do anything differently, everything was so much quieter and peaceful, but she knew going into it that the end would eventually arrive.

Even when ill the boys were still competitive, each wanting to be the first to return to school so the other would look weak in comparison. When they showed up it was side by side, each trying to be a few steps ahead of the other, and of course their first goal was to locate the miko. She heard about it before they found her, the whispers in the halls moving like a tidal wave through the school, ready to spit seaweed and stinky fish right on her shoes.

"Hey Kagome!" two male voices echoed over each other and the girl in question tried halfheartedly to cut her own head off with her locker door to save herself the frustration she knew was approaching. There were cries of 'Watch it!' and 'Slow down!" and with a dejected sigh Kagome turned to face the music. A small smirk pulled at her lips as she saw them. Kouga had in his hand a rather ragged looking but still store bought bouquet of flowers and Inuyasha, refusing to be outdone, had an entire rosebush, roots and all with dirt still falling from where he'd ripped it out of someone's poor garden.

Both males thrust their offerings towards her and she sighed. She needed a time machine or idiot repellant or something, because she was getting really tired of this. Her smirk returned for a moment as her brain supplied images of a sexy bodyguard standing between her crazed admirers and herself, the Adonis in her mind endowed with defined muscles, sharp claws, and an ass that could crack a walnut. Of course Kouga and Inuyasha both misinterpreted the goofy look on her face as her being overcome with emotion over **their** thoughtful and impressive gift. When they started to argue, each shoving the other's gift away only to thrust theirs out closer to her, Kagome came to her senses and faked a sneeze.

"Oh, guys," she said while pinching her nose and covering her mouth with her hand. "That's too sweet of you, but I can't. I'm allergic." Her nasal voice was accented with a few more well faked achoo's that made both males look at the flowers, or in Inuyasha's case, flower bush, in their hands. Both immediately tossed the offending gifts away, ignoring the pained cry as the thorny bush found its way into a girl's hair, and began apologizing like their very lives depended on her forgiveness.

Kagome peered around them and smiled a genuine smile when she saw that the girl accosted by the rose bush was Kikyo. She had to fight back laughter as the other air head sluts tried in vain to extricate it, screeching in pain when they grabbed a thorn only to reach right back in again. Kikyo was their leader and apparently they were willing to cut up their hands in hopes of a quick fix instead of stopping for a moment to make a plan for removal. As much as Kagome tried to see the best in everyone, she couldn't stop the little voice in her head that hoped they had to cut Kikyo's highly prized straight black hair to get it out. She more than deserved to be cursed with a tomboy haircut for the rest of the school year.

Finally her attention returned to the still groveling males. "It's alright. Just stop saying you're sorry already!" she yelled a little louder than necessary or intended. She glanced around the crowded hallway and blushed before turning around and rushing into her first class of the day, slamming the door in two canine faces and calling back a half hearted 'sorry'. She slid into her seat next to her lab partner and smiled. "They're back. Is it wrong to hope Miroku makes them sick again with his next challenge?"

Her partner smirked and slowly shook their head. "They are more than deserving of whatever fresh hell the monk has devised for today."

Kagome giggled. "Nice… whatever fresh hell is right."

--

Hell decided to be a challenge of strength that day, the two males coming head to head in the gym right after school, each planning to be the one to walk Kagome home. Her backpack was especially overweight that afternoon and when they spotted her struggling with it they were on her in an instant, testosterone already pumping through their hormone ravaged bodies.

"Let me carry that for you Kagome," Inuyasha offered in what had to be the politest tone ever to pass through the crude hanyou's lips.

"Like you could manage that! You'd be begging to sit down in thirty seconds!"

"Oh yeah?! I bet I could hold it a hell of a lot longer than you, fleabag!" the hanyou yelled back.

Kagome backed away, the weight of her bag suddenly lifting from her shoulders. She smirked but didn't turn around. Things were just getting good. Besides, she knew who was behind her now holding her backpack. Kouga and Inuyasha ended up shoving each other before some of the other students pulled them apart, Miroku stepping between them like a referee, a disturbed and corrupt ref, but a ref all the same. He was more than ready to step into his favorite role.

"What are we fighting about? Who could hold Kagome's backpack the longest? Hmmm," the monk rubbed his chin in an obviously fake gesture of deep thought before looking up like a light bulb was flashing over his head. "I've got it! We can determine which of you has stronger arms easily."

"Get on with it, Miroku," Inuyasha demanded.

A short distance away Sango slipped up beside Kagome, nudging her elbow and giving her friend a questioning look. "I'll explain later." Sango didn't look convinced but she let it go in lieu of watching the show.

"Whoever can hang from the basketball hoop the longest with only one hand is the guy best suited to carry Kagome's bag."

"Sounds good to me, that is, if you're not too scared of falling," Kouga taunted.

"Fuck you. I'm not the little girl here! You hold that title, cupcake!"

Again a crowd was forming and a chant began, finally shutting the two posturing males up and starting the contest. Kagome shook her head as she sat down on the bleachers. She might as well get some homework done while she waited for them to resolve their little disagreement. Then she could leave her stupid books in her locker! Sango sat down beside her, again with an odd questioning look, and when Miroku joined them she elbowed him before tilting her head in Kagome's direction. He dragged his fingers over his lips in the trademarked 'my lips are zipped' motion and she growled in frustration. She was tired of people refusing to answer her damn questions!

Every now and then Kagome would look up and check to see how the guys were doing, but eventually the waiting crowd got bored. A bored group of teenagers waiting for something to happen in a well stocked gym with entertaining targets didn't bode well for the competitors and soon they found themselves being pelted by volleyballs, soccer balls, basket balls, hell, someone even chucked a couple of big ass marbles at them, all in hopes of making them drop to the hard and unforgiving floor below.

Kagome turned to look at the person sitting beside her with a worried look on her face. Sure, the idiots deserved it for being so stupid to begin with, but she didn't want to see them hurt, not really. An arm wrapped around her waist and Sango stared at the appendage that as far as she knew shouldn't be touching her. Slowly it dawned on her what was going on and while she wanted to smack herself for not seeing it for so long, she decided that smacking her boyfriend, who was currently moonlighting as a bookie, was far more fun. She'd get him for not telling her when he obviously knew, but after he was done taking money from the students that were dumb enough to take his odds. She wasn't stupid. She knew the money they were so eagerly handing over would be used to take her nice places and buy her things. You don't smack the hand that gets the money that feeds you and keeps you in pretty jewelry.

Finally it looked like the wait would soon be over as both males' arms began shaking with muscle fatigue. It couldn't have been worse if they'd made it to the grueling third stage of Ninja Warrior and they were **both** ready to fall to the shame of the icy muddy waters below. Water would have been better, because both males knew it was going to hurt like hell when they hit the ground. Gravity is a **cruel** mistress.

The crowd below was circled around both ends of the basketball court, making sure to stay out from underneath the quivering, struggling bodies since no one wanted to be the one to break their fall. It was deathly silent in the giant room, so quiet that you could hear the couple busy making out under the bleachers, as everyone waited.

They'd already placed their bets and a smirking Miroku was holding a notebook and a fist full of money with a shit eating grin on his face. This would never get old, but they would eventually figure out Kagome's secret, not that she bothered to hide it anyway, and his fun would come to an end, so he was making sure to get the most out of it as he could while it lasted. If things ended like he expected, he would have enough money to get a hotel room for prom night. He waggled his eyebrows at Sango and she leveled him with a glare in return. "Don't even think about it, monk."

Inuyasha's muttered cursing began to echo through the room as his fingers started to slip. Kouga smirked from his end of the gym. "Getting a little too hard for you, **cupcake**?" he taunted, throwing the hanyou's insult back at him.

Kagome shook her head as the crowd gasped when Kouga's sore digits gave out until he was holding on with just his middle finger. Inuyasha laughed and the vibration traveled through his body, up his arm, and up into his fingers, sending him towards the floor like a hanyou torpedo. The crash sounded painful and Kagome grimaced as Kouga let go, his arms wind milling in a pathetic attempt to slow down his descent. The second crash sounded just as awful as the first, proving that just cuz you can wave your arms around **doesn't** mean you can fly. Miroku stood up and declared the wolf the winner, both cheers and groans of disappointment filling the air.

Competition over with, the losers filed outside to find their way home and the winners lined up to collect their easy money. Kagome stood up and made her way to her locker and deposited her textbooks before heading out the front door of the school on her way home to the shrine, a companion by her side. Finally only Miroku, Inuyasha, and Kouga remained in the gym and when the monk finished counting his money he made his way out onto the floor to check the damages. Luckily there were no broken bones on either side; just a lot of bruises and some seriously stomped on pride. Both males eventually peeled themselves off the floor and looked around, Kouga eager to boast about his superior strength, only to find that their miko was gone.

--

Prom was coming and that seriously upped the ante between the guys. Everyone knew that girls gave up their virginity on prom night! They were each bound and determined to be the one to deflower Kagome, assuming she was in fact still flowered at all, which they assumed she was. She hadn't slept with either of them yet so her purity was assured! They'd been first and second in line to buy prom tickets, everyone else staying well out of the way as the position of first and second switched back and forth quite a bit while Kouga and Inuyasha struggled. Why it mattered who bought tickets first no one knew, but apparently it was very important to both of their very carefully planned operations.

Kouga had wisely named his plan Operation Make it with the Miko and he was sure that he was going to succeed. The life of his balls depended on it because if he didn't get into her panties soon he was going to lose them. They were already blue and working on a rather frightening shade of purple! Inuyasha wasn't as good at coming up with clever names for his plans, instead just calling it 'When I Finally Get Some'. No matter how secretive they were about their plans of seduction, somehow both names got spread around the school, making a certain girl none too happy. How many times did she have to tell them no before they got the picture? She was more than ready to put an end to their ridiculous fighting and one-upping, but she had a plan of her own to stick to, one that ironically also would come to fruition on prom night. Finally they would learn and since they refused to learn the easy way, the hard way was the only option left.

The posturing was driving her absolutely insane by the week of prom. When he heard that she'd selected a red prom dress Inuyasha had boasted victory since everyone knew that red was **his** color, but Kouga wasn't ready to give in. He was sure he could best the hanyou. He was definitely smarter! Inuyasha had been held back in Kindergarten for failing finger painting of all things, so there was no way he could best the wolf. Maybe if they'd known that someone else was in the running… but the thought never even crossed their minds.

The final challenge wasn't Miroku's idea at all, though he did add some of the finishing touches. Since they were both certain that Kagome would be going to the dance with one of them, the crowning achievement would be the completion of a prom themed obstacle course. They were each given a list of places to go and things to pick up, all culminating in the final moments with a race to the very door leading to the much anticipated night.

Inuyasha's first task was to head to a very specific menswear store in the mall. Apparently she'd picked out the perfect tux for the hanyou and had Miroku set it up. He stood and fidgeted while he was measured and when he was handed the formalwear he looked at the guy like he has six heads, all with rainbow colored hair and clown noses. After repeatedly making the very annoyed and smug man check again he finally accepted it and put the suit on right there like his list said to. He wouldn't have time to stop at home to change.

He did his best to ignore the laughter and taunts of the people in the mall as he dashed to the opposite end to buy specially made chocolate covered strawberries. Just the thought of what he and Kagome would do with the decadent treat gave him a stiffie and by the time he made it to the chocolate shop he was limping, the side of his dick chafing on the scratchy fabric of his new pants. Perhaps going commando that morning was a bad decision. Again he had to wait forever. It seemed that the entire world was against him, trying to keep him from his destiny. He refused to think about how the hell he was going to manage to screw her with the way his pants were treating his goods. He would **find** a way.

His final task before their fated night was to get a hotel room at one of the hotels near where the prom was being held. He couldn't help his excitement as he paid for and received the keys. She was going to love it! He paid extra for the key to the mini bar, just in case she wanted a drink. He couldn't stop thinking that she was the luckiest girl he knew and he was the luckiest hanyou in the world. Even though it wasn't on the list he made one last stop at a convenience store for a very important purchase, finding the selection very slim, forcing him to purchase Magnum XLs even though he didn't think he needed the bigger size.

Kouga's first stop was at a clothing shop as well, but it just happened to be on the opposite side of town. He didn't even bother questioning the color or style choice. He just put it on. If that was what Kagome wanted him to wear then he would happily, more than happily even. His second task made every other thing he'd **ever** done to catch her attention or impress her worthwhile. Sure, it was expensive, but she deserved only the best. He shelled out nearly five hundred dollars in exchange for the keys to the hotel room where he would change her life, ordering champagne, which required a bribe to the bellhop, and even paid for rose petals and candlelight.

His next stop was a florist where he was supposed to pick up a corsage, except it wasn't ready. They were waiting for a supplemental flower shipment, having sold more corsages for prom attendees than they had supplies to make them all. He paced and growled in frustration as he waited for the truck. He would have gone somewhere else, except that his instructions were **very** specific. She was allergic to most flowers, a lesson he'd learned the hard way, and only a certain species of orchid wouldn't set off her sinuses and leave him with a congested date. He didn't want to have to stop right in the middle of his planned 'activities' so she could blow her nose!

Finally Kouga had what he needed, and after stopping at three different drug stores he was on his way to the same hotel he'd gotten a room at several hours earlier, the prom being held in one of their grand ballrooms. Inuyasha was on his way as well, limping even worse than before while carefully carrying his sweet treat for his sweet miko and his other purchase in a paper bag stuffed in his pocket. They both skidded to a stop in front of a snazzy dressed and smirking Miroku who snapped several pictures of them before they knew what was happening.

"So," he asked, fighting back the hysterical laughter trying to break out. It was really hard to keep a straight face when looking at a hanyou in a lilac polyester tuxedo with a violet fluffy pirate-looking blouse and a wolf in a white wool tux with yellow accents. "Did you get everything alright?" They both nodded and handed him their designated purchases and room keys, each demanding to know where Kagome was and who'd won.

Seconds before they attacked each other they heard someone clear their throat. Looking up, Inuyasha snarled. "What the fuck are you doing here, you bastard?"

Standing with a smug look on his face was a perfectly dressed Sesshoumaru, his long silver hair contrasting beautifully with his black tux with blood red accents. He slowly eyed the two before chuckling and patting Miroku on the back. "This Sesshoumaru could not have done better. The hanyou in purple is priceless. I do hope you got pictures." Miroku nodded and held up his camera.

"You look uncomfortable little brother. Cheap suits such as that have been known to chafe terribly." He turned his attention from the fuming Inuyasha to the equally pissed off Kouga. "And the wolf in sheep's clothing. Brilliant, monk. You outdid yourself."

The taiyoukai noticed the brown paper bag sticking out of his half-sibling's pocket and had it in his hand before Inuyasha knew what was happening. He smirked even more as he pulled out the contents. "Magnums **little** brother? How **did** you know?" Noticing the similar bulge in Kouga's pants Sesshoumaru snagged it and handed it to Miroku. "I do believe you will be needing these, if your date lets you survive the night of course."

"Thanks man. Here's your room key and stuff." Miroku smiled widely as he pocketed the key to the less expensive hotel room and box of condoms and walked inside, ignoring the sputtering questions from both Inuyasha and Kouga.

Sesshoumaru slipped the box of condoms and the box of chocolates into his jacket, his eyes looking past the two very confused and imaginatively dressed males. His eyes lit up as the sweet musical laughter of an angel sounded behind them.

"What in the world are you two wearing?" Kagome asked in shock. She'd known Sesshoumaru and Miroku were planning something, but she hadn't wanted to know the details. She didn't care. Finally the two thick skulled fools would know what everyone else in the school had already figured out, what she'd tried numerous times to tell them… if only they'd listened… or even just looked around. Sesshoumaru swept her to safety during the condiment challenge, sat beside her in the bleachers while the fools hung for hours, and was beside her or behind her nearly constantly. The two stubborn males only saw what they wanted to see. She slipped past them and approached Sesshoumaru in the most stunningly gorgeous red dress ever that hugged her curves and accentuated her breasts beautifully, making three canine mouths water.

The taiyoukai slid the perfect corsage on her wrist and leaned down to kiss her throat. "You look wonderful, Kagome. Absolutely edible." She blushed and giggled before turning to head inside.

"Wait! But what…?" Inuyasha called, his tongue tied in shock. What the hell was Kagome doing with Sesshoumaru? Kouga was just as stunned and confused and when the well dressed taiyoukai turned back to them again he smiled smugly, his arm wrapping around Kagome's dainty waist, leaving them with words they would never forget. The couple finally entered the ballroom and once they could move again, the two tried to follow, ready to try their hand at kicking someone else's ass besides each others for once. Too bad Miroku had their tickets.

What were Sesshoumaru's parting word, you ask? Only the hardest lesson in the world to learn. "What can I say, little brother? Love hurts."


End file.
